Between THE Rock and a weak place.

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you could taste it? I mean have you ever longed for something in a way that hurt your heart? Have you thought about something until it consumed your every waking minute? Have you planned and dreamed and prayed about one thing until you are completely empty?

I sure have.

And today it feels like too much. My soul longs for another child. I know there are needy children out there I know they need a home, my heart knows that my family is not complete. My arms ache to rock a little one to sleep, my hands long to wash little clothes, but most of all my soul longs for another child to call my own. I can't really explain why. For years I said I was finished. I have two wonderful children and my life is full of wonderful minutes spent taking care of them. I know God had to allow me to think I was finished so that I would make the medical decisions necessary for me to be able to live my life and not just go through the motions. I also know that if I had been able to have more children on my own I would not have thought about adoption as readily. Over the last two years God has clearly shown me that adoption is in our future. I know that I will have at least one more child and I know that it is just a matter of timing but lately I have been feeling very...jaded, I guess.

First of all my husband is SO practical. That trait has served us well since I am all about dreaming big and without him reigning me back in I would have made some very foolish decisions over the years. However it is not easy for someone that is so practical to look at the numbers behind adding another child to your family and then say, "I don't know where the $15k will come from but God will provide." That is just out of his comfort zone. I know that he trusts God but that kind of monetary commitment is not something he makes lightheartedly. Unfortunately this has left me feeling as if I need to "convince" him that we should adopt. Please know that my husband is a great man, a wonderful father, and a devoted husband and I know he only has our family’s best interest at heart.

But just to be honest it is a really big load to carry. Some days I do not feel like I am capable of adopting a child, some days I am tired and ill. Some days I am frustrated with my children, some days I have laundry pilled up and I can not fathom the ideal of adding another child’s laundry to it. Some days I think about the fact that my son will be 18 in 11 years and I will be finished mothering small children and then I think about adding a newborn to the mix in about a year and I think oh wow that means I will have 19 more years of mothering. Sometimes I just don't want to be positive about this whole process. Maybe I don't know where the money will come from, maybe I don't know how we will raise three children, and maybe I don't know how we will pay for college for three kids. MAYBE I DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS. Maybe I need to be convinced to adopt...only there is no one to do that. But, I cannot get away from James 1:27

“Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction and to keep oneself unstained from the world.”

I cannot get away from the Holy Spirit's leading; I cannot get away from God's plan. And honestly I don't want to get away from any of it. I have walked contrary to His Word before and I know where it got me Shipwrecked, Messed Up, Stressed Out. I want to be what He wants me to be. It's just that today I feel like he called the wrong girl. Today I feel that He meant to call someone else, someone healthier, someone richer, someone better with money, someone who has it all together. That's not me. But He knows me and He doesn't make mistakes so I guess the only thing left to be adjusted is my attitude. Please pray for me dear bloggy friends. I need Him to be STRONG in my weak places.